Fan Fiction Review

Betrayal

 timho rated this and wrote this review on January 25, 2019:

The best of the best has once again been hired for the capture of a merchant by the name of Horden Jerrock. This is a seemingly straightforward task, however it quickly turns into a mad chase for Jerrock, a chase that entwines itself with many hazardous and explosive events, events that even prove challenging for the mighty Boba Fett.

Betrayal, by John Devanney, moves at a speed-of-light pace that we recognize from George Lucas' trilogy, however, the incredible detail and plot development in this fan fiction has gone way past what is possible in a 2 hour film. Devanney's vast knowledge of the Star Wars universe, combined with his considerably well-versed writing skills, has created an action-packed thriller that exceeds what is expected from a fan fiction writer. Devanney paints a picture as clear as water in our minds with his masterful description. I especially enjoy how there are several climatic peaks in the story, as opposed to many other fan fictions, where there is only one real climax.

There are a few things that can be considered in order to perfect this fan fiction. First of all, the starting line in the story can be optimized – the first line of any story is critical, it gives readers an overall impression of what the rest of the story will be like. In this particular story, the number one line (spelling edited) says:

Boba Fett looked at his chronometer for the fifth time.

This is not a very effective starting line - never start a story with someone looking at a watch, typing on a computer, sipping stim tea, or anything that makes the reader want to throw up in boredom. Always try to make your first line of your story, or, in fact, the first portion of your story, as exciting as possible. It is a good idea to start a story (BF fan fiction) with Boba Fett in a blaster fight, for example, or something with action in it. Also, ending your story is also critical. Devanney ends his story admirably - read, and learn. Ending lines should always be conclusive - someone dying, for example, or maybe someone flying away into the depths of space never EVER end your story with: "It was all a dream!" I will seriously give zero to anyone with that ending.

Another thing Devanney should look out for, or ALL writers should look out for, are spelling errors, grammatical errors, or any other sort of error. This fan fiction, as well as many others, is plagued with errors that could all have been prevented by having someone edit your story. Devanney should look out especially for missing commas, words that don't exist, awkward wording, missing words, and incorrect use of punctuation. On the same note, in case you do not know how to correctly use semicolons and apostrophes, read the next paragraph carefully.

A semicolon is used as a period, and a comma (hence the semicolon sign with a period and comma). Instead of inserting a period into a sentence, you are technically putting in a special comma that serves as a period. Therefore, you can start a new sentence that has relation to the topic of the paragraph it is in. Confusing.

Also, some authors seem to be confused with the two terms its and it's. While its is used as a possessive article, it's is used as the short form of "it is." Don't confuse these two together!

Here is a taste of what you can expect in John Devanney's Betrayal.

The planet he had just left was a lifeless rock with a barely breathable atmosphere and could be found on no standard astronomical chart. A perfect hiding place for pirates. Apparently the pirates had invited the merchant to close some kind of deal, what it entailed he didn't know, but as long the pirates didn't detect him then it didn't matter. He was now within torpedo range and merchant still was unaware of his presence. The magnetic distortions must be playing havoc with his sensors. In one smoothe movement Fett brought up his targeting scope and locked his mag pulse onto the other ship's engines. A chime pinged as the HUD went red and the pulse spat itself from his craft tailing a blue stream of energy. The beam hit its target square on and the ship went into a roll. Within seconds Fett was within cannon range, and let loose with a blast from his concealed Ion cannon. With his target now floating dead in space the Slave 2 moved up beside the battered old freighter and engaged it's tractor beam. With a hiss of air from the landing hatch the two ships docked. Time to get his merchandise.

As Boba made his way towards his quarry's ship he off-handedly wondered why someone with such a high bounty on their head would take the risk of contacting pira... . He never had time to finish the thought. hHs helmet's enhanced sensors detected the unmistakable odor of Nergon 14, an explosive used in the creation of proton torpedoes. In seconds he was back aboard his the Slave 2 and disengaging himself from the doomed ship. The Slave 2 had barely broken off contact when the freighter disintigreted into fire, and a massive explosion rocked Fett's ship.

An excellent fan fiction by Devanney, and I would not mind seeing more of these great stories from him. Well, everybody read, and enjoy!