Topic: Chuck Norris vs Mr.T

:D :)
AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   and though it pains me greatly to say it, and I'm probably gona get roundhouse kicked to the face for it I think Mr.T does win for now, but please dont stop with the jokes

If you misspell "Mr. T" on Google, it does not say "did you mean Mr. T." It says "Run for your life."

# Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

# Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.

# MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

# Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

# Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

# The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

# Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.

# It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

# Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.

# Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

# Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.

# When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

# Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

# 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

# Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

# Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

this is untrue, as Chuck Norris can be in two places at once, also three in fron of you, inside of you, and behind you. 1 he is standing infront of you 2 his forearm is in your chest cavity
3 his fist is behind you, holding you beating heart.

You know what happens when Mr. T falls off his horse? Nothing, because Mr. T never falls off his horse.

There was one instance in history in which Mr. T fell. The result was the Grand Canyon.

Mr. T doesn't have a bank account. He just goes to the bank and and tells them how much he wants.

Mr. T doesn't give Christmas presents. Living to Christmas is his present.

Mr. T can be very superstitious. If a black cat crosses his path, he will rip its head off. Actually, Mr. T will rip the head off of anything that crosses his path.

Name an object. Mr. T invented that.

Medusa once looked Mr. T in the eye. She turned to stone.

Ozzy Osbourne accidentily bit a bat's head off. Mr. T accidentily bit Ozzy Osbourne's head off.

The fastest way to a man's heart is Mr. T's fist.

Contrary to popular belief, Mr. T has correct grammer. The rest of us are just fools who don't know when to stop our jibba-jabba.

What is the last thing going through Mr. T's victims? His fist.

Mr. T is the reason why armies have camoflauge. Unfortuanatly, it never works.

Mr. T can set magnifying on fire with an ant. Scientists have yet to explain this.

Mr. T doesn't delete files from his computer, he kills them.

Someone once tried to rob Mr. T's house. Neither Heaven nor Hell wanted them on the grounds that "Stupidity like that might be contagious."

The Tzar Bomb starts with a T for a reason.

Mr. T is the only person who can "do this at home."

Contrary to popular belief, Trix are also for Mr. T.

Mr. T once broke out of Alcatraz. He then broke back in because he forgot his toothbrush.

If you are round house kicked by Chuck Norris and some how survive all you can say for a month is "beard beard roundhouse kick roundhouse kick yeah"

If you get pitied by Mr. T, you don't survive. You just don't.

Name a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.
#         In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.

# Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

# If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

# If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

# Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

# Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

# MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

# Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

# What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.

# Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

# The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

# There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

# Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

Personally, if these two fought, I figure the universe would explode.

Mr. T sheds his skin twice a year.

The U.S. government finds Mr. T's neck a better place to keep their gold than Fort Knox.

The most honorable way to die is to take a bullet for Mr. T. Mr. T finds this funny because he is, in fact, bullet-proof.

If you re-arrange the letters in Mr. T, he'll break you.

If Mr. T re-arranges the letters in Mr. T, he'll break you.

Gravity does not exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay down. Birds and planes are exempt because they are shaped like Ts.

Mr. T puts the laughter in manslaughter.

The last person who made eye contact with Mr. T is Ray Charles.

Every year, Mr. t picks one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Mr. T can speak brallie.

When Mr. T gives you the finger, he's actually telling you how many seconds you have to live.

read the C3PO Vs TC-14

unfortunately Chuck is blade-proof

Hey according to the Ultimate SHowdown of Ultimate Destiny it took Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and
"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"'s Black Knight andBenito Mussolini and The Blue Meanie and Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie Robocop, the Terminator, Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan to defeat Chuck Norris.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=76CS9z9kQ44
Unfortunately no Mr. T.

That's because if Mr. T was in it, it would last about a second.

i think ive got one......mr t doesnt go into the shed, the shed goes to mr t, ????? is that a mr t joke?   :(

Umm... I don't think that's even a joke.

:(  :(   :(   you were saying mr t jokes and they funny! ( head exploding!!! )

but why would a shed go to Mr.T in the first place?

because you guys were saying stuff like that in your jokes

You didn't answer his question. Why would a shed go into Mr. T?

We were saying things like "Mr. T can do push-ups with both hands behind his back," or "Mr. T doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is."

I also wonder why a shed would go to Mr.T

ok, either you just watched that or you wrote it down or you got the lyrics, casue there is no way you can memorize that ive watched that like 157 times and i dont have it memorized

Angels sang out an imaculate chourus,
and down from the hevans decended Chuck Norris,
who deliverd a kick which could shatter bones,
into the crotch of Indiana Jones
who fell to the ground,
writhing in pain,
as Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne,
but Chuck saw through this clever disguise,
and crushed Batman's head in between his thighs

My friend used to have it completely memorised.

i can get most of it, but not past "Theodore" in the #of ppl it took to take down chuck, then after that i think i got the rest

Ha thats a good one, you need to write a book!

there's probably a site for all this stuff.

I wonder.....I'll go see.....

if you saw the Chuck Norris in person, your eyes would bleed then your head would explode

Mr.T is God's personal bodyguard.
Hitler didn't kill himself, Mr.T killed Hitler.

Genisis is inacurate, God took Chuck Norris's rib to make eve, and in return Chuck roundhouse kicked Adam out of the garden

Contrary to popular belief, Mr.T has a merciful side. Sometimes he'll kill you quickly.

Mr.T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he always had to kick doors in on the A-Team.

Mr.T wrote all 8 Harry Potter books. J.K. Rowling is a pseudonym, and the 8th book had such a tragic ending that Mr.T pitied it so hard it was erased form reality.

Chuck Norris lives in a giant doorknob

Have you ever felt a strange pain in your chest? That was Mr. T, and that was a warning.

What happens when Chuck Norris falls off his horse?
Nothing, Chuck doesn't have a horse he uses Mr.T's after beating him up.

If we're going to do that, this will quickly become  Cuck Norris and Mr. T contest.

A cop once pulled Mr. T over for going 150 miles per hour in a 50 zone. Mr. T insisted that he should not get the ticket, as he was out for his morning walk.

Have you ever seen 300? Mr.T killed Xerxes' ENTIRE ARMY without breaking a sweat.

I'm seeing it tonight. I heard that though. I'll be looking foward to it.

Nice!

hmm, i just bought 300 today, i saw it in theaters though. Gerard Butler kicked major ass.

Please don't say that about the Bible.
If Mr.T looked into the GhostRider's eyes he would burn the GhostRider's sole.

If I had to chose between fighting the Hulk or Mr.T, I'd chose the Hulk

If you think of Chuck Norris, you will go permanently insane. This is due to the fact that the only thing to think about Chuck Norris is how fast he will kill you.

Chuck Norris and Vin Disiel got in an arm wrestling match. Mr. T won.

Chuck Norris eats antimatter for breakfast

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero (nerd joke but i love it :) )

Mr. T may pity you, but Chuck Norris will kill you before you blink.

Mr.T can multiply a positive by a negative and still get a positive.

(another math based joke so you don't feel like the only nerd Rengaw)

Macgyver can make an explosive out of toothpatse. cotton candy, and a paper clip. Mr.T can make an explosive out of MacGyver.

If you listen to Mr.T's iPod, you don't hear music. You only hear the screams of his victims.

Chuck Norris is allergic to well written scripts.

Mr. T donated overwhelming amounts of money to Katrina victims.

Sorry I don't think these were jokes...

Mr.T once scared the Hell out of the Devil.

Mr.T has had thousands of lovers. None of them could satisfy Mr.T. It wasn't long before Mr.T realized the only person who could satisfy Mr.T was...Mr.T

Mr.T can squeeze orange juice from a banana

Mr.T doesn't mow his lawn. He stands outside and dares it to grow

When God sneezes,people say Mr.T bless you

Mr.T was to star in 24. It would have been called 12 seconds

Who wins when Superman and the Flash race? Mr.T

Mr.T has never wet the bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear

Only one man has dared to try and outsmart Mr.T. And well you see what happened to Mr.Hawking

There are three sides of the Force. The light, the dark, the Mr.T