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Fett recently went on a business trip to Portugal, after which the contents of Slave 1's logs were leaked to the public. Thus far, here is what has been released by reliable sources:
*Warning: If you are reading this and your name is not Fett, I will hunt you down and kill you.*
Captain’s Log, Day 1: This morning while I was counting my credits, I thought about how perfect I am. Upon close inspection, however, I realized that there was a single area in my life where my talent was lacking—the Portuguese language. Seeking to become a perfect being, I immediately booked a flight to Portugal, a tiny European country sharing three borders with Spain, home to Christopher Columbus and Vasco da Gama. Here I am waiting for my plane to arrive.
Captain’s Log, Day 2: Having jetlag stinks like nerf. European drivers are immoral madmen. My head aches. If anyone so much as looks at me, I will shoot him. Here I am standing on my hotel balcony in Lisbon, the capital of Portugal.
The food in Portugal is laden with unhealthy salts and oils, but the specialty here is seafood, similar to what is served on Kamino. Here I am eating octopus. (I did not drink that wine in the background—the very idea was an insult to the flesh.)
Captain’s Log, Day 6: Portuguese cities are wretched hives of scum and villainy, so today I traveled northwards to the region of Tras-os-Montes, which means “behind the mountains†in Portuguese. I decided to stay in a tiny town called Miranda do Douro, which is on the border with Spain. Here are Chrys and I in our hotel room.
Captain’s Log, Day 7: The hotel room here in Miranda provides the ideal vantage point for observing illegal activity. From my balcony, I can see a medieval cathedral, an ancient castle, and the Spanish border. Here I am on the balcony, with the cathedral in the background.
Captain’s Log, Day 8: Today I visited the ruins of the castle and scaled its walls. It is not so much a castle as it is a fort. Here I am posing on the castle lawn.
Captain’s Log, Day 9: Today I visited the cathedral and met a well-mannered young man named Menino Jesus de Cartolinha, whom I prefer to call “Top-Hatted Baby Jesus.†(Here is the homepage of Miranda do Douro; it's in Portuguese, but you can see Baby Jesus, and some pauliteiros at the top.) Menino Jesus is the town mascot of Miranda do Douro. Here I am posing with Menino Jesus de Cartolinha.
Captain’s Log, Day 10: I take back what I said yesterday about Menino Jesus being well mannered. One minute we were discussing tenth-century battle strategies; the next, he was making jokes about my height. Clearly he didn’t realize who I am. For his cheek, I held him at gunpoint on national television. Here I am demanding a ransom from the Portuguese people.
Captain’s Log, Day 11: Today I met a Pauliteiro. Pauliteiros, also known as “Stick Dancers,†are performers who count medieval warriors as their ancestors. The scarves on their skirts represent plate armor, while the flowers on their hats are reminiscent of the identifying sashes worn by knights. Here I am posing with the Pauliteiro.
Captain’s Log, Day 12: Today João (the Pauliteiro) and I went out to search for vice-ridden criminals to bring to justice. Much to our surprise, instead of the typical gangster we met none other than the immortal Rooster of Barcelos. I had thought that it was only a legend, but from the very first Undead crowing, I knew that it was real. Here is the Rooster of Barcelos attacking the Pauliteiro and me.
Finally, after hours of dodging its lethal beak, I won the battle. Here I am taking a perfect shot at the Undead Rooster.
Score! The Rooster of Barcelos had a bounty on its head! Here I am with the hapless captive.
